Let’s start with the most obvious. In order to determine the primary love language of the person you are interested in, you can use all three ways, for example: to observe how they themselves show love for others.
If your father constantly helps the mother, then this is probably his main way of expressing love.
How to determine the love language of another person
On the other hand, if he often pats others on the head and every time he says goodbye, he embraces you, then his tongue is touches.
If your colleague usually praises others and expresses gratitude to them in every way, then his language of love is words of encouragement. For many people, this is as clear as day.
But not everyone is so openly expressing love.
In this case, you can analyze what these people complain about most often. If your roommate periodically says: “You don’t help me a lot with cleaning” or “I’m tired of constantly raising your wet towels in the bathroom,” then most likely his language of love is help.
If the guy with whom you meet, with chagrin says: «You are never the first to kiss me.
Well, at least smack me on the cheek, «thus it shows that the main language of love of this person is physical contact.
Let’s say your girlfriend complains: “It hurts me that you didn’t give me flowers or some other gift for my birthday”, and you parry: “But I took you to a restaurant. Doesn’t that count?” Then she will answer you: «I am very grateful to you for this, but I would like to receive something in memory of that day.»
This way she makes it clear how important gifts are for her.
The third way to determine a person’s love language is to observe what these people most often ask for. Mother, asking, «Will you come for dinner this Sunday?», Really wants you to pay attention to her. A colleague who says: «If you go to the conference, grab some free materials for me,» the closest is the language of gifts.
A friend who offers: «Let’s go for a walk?», Eager to spend time together.
Watch how your loved ones show love to others, complain, ask. Observing the actions of people and listening to their complaints and requests, you can determine the main language of love of a person.
How to identify one of the five languages of love
However, there are additional ways to define the primary language. One of the most effective ways to determine a person’s love language is to ask questions. If you want to know what is happening in the head of your friend, ask him about it.
Well-designed questions should reflect not idle curiosity, but sincere interest in a person.
Once Margo told her mother:
— Mom, I thought about it and decided this time for my birthday to give you a present as a sign of gratitude — you gave me life. Think, please, and next week tell me how I can make you happy.
— My sunshine, not necessarily something to give. I already know that you love me.
— It is wonderful! But still, I would like to do something nice for you.
The next week, Margo looked to her mother again when she was watering the flowers. After finishing her work, my mother washed her hands with water from a hose and said:
— I have a delicious juice for you.
When they entered the house, Margo noticed to her mother that she had a very beautiful garden.
— It often rained this summer, ”Mom replied.
When they drank the juice, Margo asked her mother:
— Have you thought about my question?
— Well, what would you like?
— Maybe I ask too much, but if you really want to please me, spend a whole day with me — from early morning to late evening. We can go shopping or stroll through the park, as we did when you were little.
We can sit in a cafe or just spend the whole day at home. It doesn’t matter what we do.
The main thing — to spend the day with you, as before. And not necessarily on your birthday.
— Mom, are you sure that this is what you want? — in Margo’s voice, clearly bewildered.
— Yes, sure. For me, nothing is more important than spending the whole day with my daughter.
If Margot wanted to define the love language of her mother, then she achieved her goal, because she clearly and clearly said that her love language is undivided attention.
Later, reflecting on this conversation, Margot realized that, after returning to her hometown after graduating from college, she devoted very little time to her mother.
The girl ran to her mother almost every week, but, as a rule, not more than half an hour.
Now, looking back, she recalled her mother’s frequent persuasion to stay longer and realized that undivided attention is her main language of love.
At the age of fifty-six, Helen became a widow. Her husband died in a car accident nine months ago.
Trying to somehow bring the widow out of depression, friends invited her to my seminar.
— I did not want to go to this meeting, — she admitted later. -I do not feel alone. It seems to me that I am still married, and the spouse is just away.
But I am glad that I was at this seminar. I have never heard of the five languages of love before.
This knowledge will be useful for me to communicate with my son.
Helen has one son, Brad, who is thirty-two years old. He married while still in college, but after two years he divorced.
Since then, Brad lived alone and rarely visited his parents. However, after the death of his father, he began to come to the mother’s cup.
Helen hoped that would bring them closer.
— I think I should define his language of love, ”a woman told Me.
I advised her to ask Brad this question: “After the death of your father, we were left alone. Thank you for taking care of me.
In a sign of my love and appreciation, I want to do something for you. What would you like?»
Some time later, I received a letter from Helen, in which she wrote: «I identified Brad’s love language. There is no doubt that this is help.»
To my mother’s question of what he would like, the son answered: “Mom, the best thing you can do for me is to sew buttons on my shirts. I already have a bunch of shirts with buttons torn off.
I know you have a whole box of different buttons. Please match the tone of the shirts so that you can finally wear them. «
— The pile turned out to be fifteen shirts, ”Helen said. — In addition, I sewed six buttons on pants and four — on jackets. And recently he asked me to come to his house and show how to remove stains from the carpet.
I feel that Brad again let me into his life. I tried not to be obsessive and do only what he asks of me.
Seeing how he appreciates my help, I understand that I was really able to determine the love language of this person.
How to determine the language of love experiment
If you are unable to determine the person’s love language, show attention to him using all five methods, and observe his reaction. For example, give him compliments during the week.
Set a task at least once a day to say something encouraging to this person. Next week try to make him a nice, giving inexpensive gifts.
This could be a bag of coffee or an amateur photo that you took at work or in another setting.
In the third week, try to get to know this person more closely and spend time alone with him to determine the person’s love language. In the fourth week, determine how you can help him.
And in the last week, experiment with permissible touches. «Admissibility» in this case will depend on the type of relationship.
During each experimental week, observe the reaction of this person.
For example, his eyes may shine with joy, or he will be kinder with you, or give you a card with E words of gratitude.
It will take time and effort from you. But, if you want to learn how to express love and appreciation to people, these costs will more than pay off.
Having defined another person’s love language, you can make contact with him on an emotional level and show that you care about him.
How to determine the child’s love language
Watch how the baby expresses love. If your daughter hugs you all the time, probably her primary language of love is physical contact.
If the son constantly praises you: “Mom, such a delicious lunch!”, Perhaps his mother tongue is a word of encouragement.
Listen to the requests of the child. What the child most often asks is his main language of love.
For example: «Dad, let’s go with you to the park», «Mom, can you read me a book?» If a child asks for attention, then this is probably his main language of love.
Listen to complaints to determine the child’s love language.
Complaint «Why did you not bring me a gift?» — the way the child wants to say that his language of love is gifts.
Complaint «We do not go to the park since dad left us!» — evidence that the main language of the child — undivided attention.
If all three methods do not reveal the child’s primary language, you can experiment by expressing love in one language every week and observing its reaction. You will notice how the child’s attitude towards you changes when you speak with him in his native language.
Katie introduced herself as a single mother, who makes every effort to raise children in an atmosphere of love. After the divorce, she had problems with children.
Katie wanted to understand what to do and how to find a common language with them.
— When I identified the love language of my eldest daughter, I began to give her presents. Miranda just glows with happiness when I give her some cheap trinkets — small signs of love.
She loves to brag to others about what mom gave her. And, interestingly, after that, Miranda became completely different to me.
My ten-year-old son Jordan has a love language — attention. He loves when I spend a lot of time with him.
In the evenings, we read books together and play computer games.
He likes that I am sitting next to him and watching him play. And I learned to get pleasure from it.
I do not often manage to pay much attention to Jordan, but as soon as I find time for him, he eats up.
In conclusion, I would like to advise you not only to speak the native language of your son or daughter, but also to connect grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other close people who are taking care of the child. Even your distant relatives and family friends can play an important role in this.
What can be a man’s love language
The main language of love Sylvia — undivided attention. Before marriage, he and Mark often spent time together.
During dates, Mark gave her a lot of attention, so Sylvia felt truly loved even after love had passed.
After the wedding, she found that in family life, Mark is completely different.
He was distinguished by his housekeeping and always found some household chores: mow lawns, trim bushes, remove leaves, wash a car, paint walls, knock out carpets, etc.
— He is a very hardworking person, ”Silvia told me. — But the trouble is that he never has time for me. I appreciate his economic vein, but why all this if we don’t have time for each other?
For his part, Mark was also perplexed:
— I do not understand what she is missing! Most women would love to have a husband like me. How can she say that I don’t love her?
Deciding not to answer Mark’s question right away, I turned the conversation to another topic:
— Rate on a ten-point scale how much Silvia loves you.
He thought for a minute, then said:
— Now at the level of zero. All she does is criticize me.
I never thought it would come to that. Before the wedding, she was pleased with everything.
When I painted the living room and changed the windows in her bedroom. She did not know how to thank me, and she kept saying that I had golden hands.
Now I do the same, but Sylvia doesn’t appreciate it.
It became clear to me that Mark’s language of love is a word of encouragement. Instead of explaining what was what, I just gave them the book “Five Languages of Love” and said:
— You will find the answer to all your questions in this book. Read it carefully, determine each other’s love language, and in two weeks tell me why each of you did not feel loved.
It seems to me that they did not really like my approach to solving the problem, nevertheless they agreed to read the book.
Two weeks later, the atmosphere in their family clearly changed. They walked into my office, smiling:
— Now I see why you wanted us to read your book before the wedding, ”Sylvia said. — It is a pity that we did not obey you!
Suppressing the desire to exclaim «I’m sorry too!», I said something completely different:
— You cannot return the past, but you can change the future!