Since childhood, we hear from parents that expectations do not always come true. Perhaps that is why we somehow put up, and still tolerate losses, and we understand that some desires will not be fulfilled at all.
Often we wave our hands, saying “no luck”, if we are late for the train, we get a refusal of a bonus, for us “no luck” when we buy what we were going to buy just a minute ago right from under our nose … But if it’s about relationships, we choose «All or Nothing.»
My client Olesya was very worried because some of my questions touched her deeply, because at that moment she understood that she was not going against me, but against him and herself.
When Olesya was sitting in front of me, she made one of the important decisions in her life, she needed to understand what to do next — to stay with her husband, or still leave him. It should be noted that at this time the husband, who did not know anything about it, was waiting for her downstairs, and more than an hour passed before Olesya arrived. Ivan, that is the name of Olesya’s husband, came to her work at a pre-arranged time, he took her from there and they came to my office, to the other end of the city, although Ivan had an important meeting scheduled after 3 hours.
He had already spent an hour in the car, another would have called one hundred times during this time, and finally he would have told her to go home by taxi. And Ivan was silent, which is why I asked my client why she abandons such a man, especially since they have mutual love (she told me about this when she first met).
Olesya did not answer my question immediately, but she spoke clearly, she said: “The fact is that we have been living with him for more than 5 years. After our wedding, my husband promised me a happy life, golden mountains and freedom.
I dreamed about my car, to live at the expense of my husband in a large private house, and Ivan promised me all this after the wedding. Since we are both yachtsmen, we have a small dream — a world tour.
We had the opportunity to fulfill our dream several times, but for the first time I needed money to study, and the second time we bought a house, or rather it wasn’t really a house, this shack! On the three-year anniversary of our life together, Ivan promised to take me to the sea, we had big plans for the future.
“So what?” I asked, “have you not been to the sea — and this is a big problem?”
“What is stopping you from fulfilling this dream?” Olesya could not find an answer to these my questions, she just nervously crumpled a napkin. Then I noted that, in principle, they are fine!
To which she struck me: “No, everything is not so good! Seeing what we could not achieve during this time, I start to get angry, because I feel that we are miserable losers. I don’t want to live like this! ”
Syndrome of unfulfilled expectations
Syndrome of unfulfilled expectations — this is how psychologists call this syndrome, as a rule, it occurs during critical periods of our life. This mainly occurs in such age years as 29 years, 38-42 years, 50 years and 56 years (this is the period in the subconscious that we consider critical). Sometimes a crisis occurs due to a number of negative events, but sometimes they can be happy.
For example, women may experience this “syndrome” after the birth of a long-awaited child or the purchase of an expensive car. However, this syndrome can be associated not only with its own development, but also with the development of a partner.
In such situations, many couples repeat the story of our couple — Olesya and Ivan.
For a woman, it becomes clear that she could not achieve her desires, even being married, that is, joint plans were not achieved, promises from her husband were not fulfilled, plans and ideas remained unfinished, and the time that could be spent on their implementation just passed.
In this case, the more a woman puts on the map, the more bitterness and resentment becomes because of unfulfilled desires. Even in spite of the fact that the relationship between husband and wife is perfect, it is difficult for women to come to terms with it. Well, what if the relationship is not perfect?
As a rule, such women take revenge, primarily by self-fulfilling their hopes, sometimes she even leaves her husband. It should be noted that the syndrome of unfulfilled expectations pushes a woman to a certain choice, she needs to understand that personal pride and feelings are more important.
One day, one of my clients, who had exactly the same problems as Olesya said, “I can’t pretend that we didn’t have these plans and promises from my husband, because I’m humiliating myself.
Well, if I begin to insist that my spouse fulfill all his promises, then he will surely leave me.
In any case, I lose, either a dream or a loved one. ” After these words, she lived with him for six months and left him, because not everyone can withstand ten years of waiting.
The question arises, is there really no other option that will be able to preserve the relationship, but at the same time not hurt self-esteem? Below I will try to give some tips on how to maintain relationships and survive the syndrome of unfulfilled expectations.
Get rid of the syndrome and save the family
— I will note the fact that a woman may not even be aware of this syndrome in the form in which it was presented above. But very often the wife can be annoyed for unknown reasons, she can lose the attraction and interest to her husband.
At this moment, criticality towards him as an individual, and towards himself, too, increases several times. And, as a rule, a woman in such periods wants privacy, begins to remember the past. In this case, very often in such a state, many women begin to make plans in words, which she mentally decides, on their own, without a husband.
Of course, all of the above is generalized, and sometimes we behave like this because of the usual fatigue, because of some cooling towards the husband. But if this feeling happens to you very often, and you become more and more irritable, look, maybe in the secret corners of your desire, you still want to get away from it.
If, however, there is a small piece of this desire, try to quickly resolve this issue.
— Do not be afraid to sit down and talk to your beloved about unfulfilled expectations. The main thing is to try not to blame him, and not to speak pathetically: “I have been waiting for the fulfillment of your promises all my life. «. You do not need to quarrel and insult, just try to share with your husband, remind him of his promises, and say that you as a little girl are waiting for the fulfillment of your desires.
Maybe he just changed priorities, or these dreams became less important to him. Listen to what’s inside.
— Let your husband realize at least one of your desires. Maybe you will not be so much pleased with what you have been dreaming about all this time.
But do not refuse it.
Remember, better late than never.
— During a conversation, try to symbolically “nullify” your promises. Be sure to ask if your husband may have the same syndrome as you.
If you still decide to fulfill all the promises, then you can write them on paper, subscribe each one to your promise and put it away somewhere.
“Sometimes couples promise nothing to each other, but the wife has some idea of who her lover could be, but he may not be.” Be sure to speak out on this.
Indeed, in the subconscious level, your husband may be suffering, try to divide the responsibility between the two.
— Last, a little sad advice, you should not try to enter the dried up river. It is better to keep some unfulfilled dreams in your memory; you shouldn’t embody them alone or with someone else. If you want to enjoy life, renew your dreams from time to time.
It is better to sit down with your beloved and come up with for yourself some kind of common dream available, and try to make it happen — together!