Sometimes some of us cannot declare our rights in full. Sometimes we hesitate to ask, not to mention “demand” what is rightfully ours. What lies behind this excessive modesty?
Answers to questions about our modesty can be found in ourselves. Let’s try to deal with this a little more.
A week ago, however, you borrowed some money for a taxi, but she didn’t even remember about this debt. You, of course, reassure yourself that she has forgotten.
But you do not dare to remind. At work, you have been doing work for a long time that is not part of your duties, and there is no need to talk about any surcharge
In this case, you do not go to the head with a request for a raise, but express your complaints to your work colleagues in the smoking room.
The former spouse has not seen children for a long time, but does not recall child support at all. You are angry, outraged, but keep the child only on their salary.
You have a girlfriend who is lower in social status than you, and when you are going to meet her, you try to dress less brightly, brightly and underestimate your income in conversations with her, and try not to touch your own merits in conversations.
Familiar? Sure that more than.
When we find ourselves in situations like the ones listed above, we doubt, resent injustice, get upset, ashamed of ourselves and our behavior — in general, anything, just do not claim our rights. What is the reason for this behavior?
Instead of the award — a diploma
Most of the situations where we are embarrassed to demand what is due to us concerns material goods: money, goods, services, and so on. It is appropriate to recall the history of the development of the USSR, and wonder why it happens like this, stop right away.
We have been told since childhood that it is embarrassing to be rich, that money is rubbish and so on. We were taught that the public must always be above any personal interests.
The Soviet government encouraged us not with material goods, but with certificates of honor, pennants, badges, orders. Today we can talk about honor and prestige as much as we like.
But the fact remains that these “prizes” cannot be smeared on bread, and you cannot buy a fur coat on them.
Psychologists say that psychogenetic memory is a surprisingly stable thing and persists in us up to the fourth generation, and maybe even longer.
This means that even if you were born after the collapse of the USSR, we have memory, and therefore the stereotypes of our grandparents.
And this memory whispers to us in a timid attempt to remind about duty: “Stop, because it is embarrassing and ugly.”
There are three reasons that affect our indecision when asserting our rights:
— Fear of failure. It is better to pretend that you do not need it, that you will live fine without it;
— Uncertainty about their rights. Sometimes we ourselves do not know whether we have rights and which ones. Unfortunately, in childhood the parents did not take care to teach us to feel the limits of our own personality;
— Fear that we will be ashamed. It is the strongest tool for manipulation and a very powerful brake.
Knock, and you will open
Many of us are sure that asking for something else means expressing our incompetence and weakness. By the way, not only is it not so, but by refusing to sometimes accept sincere help, you can offend people close to you who want to participate in your life.
Everyone remembers the novel «The Master and Margarita». And surely everyone remembers the phrase of Woland that you can never ask for anything, especially from those who are stronger than you.
We try to adhere to this principle in our life, but at the same time we forget that these words come from the devil. God taught us to be completely different: «Ask, and it will be given to you.» Yes, sometimes asking for help is much more difficult than providing it yourself.
In order to be able to ask for something, a share of humility and the absence of pride is required.
But the result of the spent spiritual effort is worth it to work with them. Think about the fact that we often want to help others, as this helps us to raise our own self-esteem, to rise in the eyes of others.
Therefore, if you need support or help, you should simply ask about it. However, this should be done as correctly as possible, leaving the other person with the right to choose whether to help or not.
However, if you can learn to ask from the heart, the refusal will be the rarest exception, people will willingly, gladly go to meet you.
You deserve it!
If you want to learn how to assert your rights, the first step will be the phrase that said to itself, “I deserve it.” And only when you are firmly convinced that you deserve, that you have a right to anything, only then will you be able to defend your positions.
If somewhere in the depths of your soul there is a worm of doubt, then your attempts to defend your rights are doomed to failure. Of course, in your confidence you should not overstep the bounds and assume that you owe everything and everyone.
However, if you consider yourself to be a delicate person, such an attitude towards people is unlikely to threaten you. Listen to your heart — it will tell you the way.
You should also understand that if you want to get something, then for this you have to pay your price. So, you at least take full responsibility for your position «I am worthy.» Sometimes you have to face misunderstanding and even condemnation of those around you who have become accustomed to your modesty and resignation.
But you need to learn to say no and not get lost in front of outright rudeness.
However, the position of the victim also has its advantages. So, if you never ask for and demand anything, you will have a reputation as an unselfish person.
Moreover, it is sometimes so nice when you are persuaded and begged for something. Decide for yourself which position is closer to you personally and in accordance with it and line up your behavior.
Feel free to claim your rights
1. You have borrowed money and are in no hurry to return the debt.
For a start, the next time you need to lend only on receipt. No need to be shy, because the receipt is by no means a sign of distrust, it is just the management of monetary relations in civilized countries.
In any case, you need to act. You do need to return the debt? So demand it — openly and without restraint.
Speak confidently and calmly, and you don’t need to apologize — «Please give me a debt.» That’s all.
2. You and the employee hold the same positions.
However, your salary is higher than hers. She found out about it, and you feel awkward.
Most companies adhere to the policy when the income of each person is not subject to disclosure under the terms of the contract.
Agree, with colleagues you can always find topics for conversation, and discussing the level of income is not at all necessary.
If, nevertheless, this situation has occurred, then embarrassing stupid. After all, it was not you who appointed you a salary, but your boss, but he knows better who deserves what amount.
3. Your relationship with a loved one is not as cloudless as before.
But you are embarrassed to tell about your feelings, about your discontent, for fear of injuring your loved one.
First, you need to realize that you have the right to feel, including, to be angry, annoy, and so on. Admit to yourself in your feelings for the beginning and think about the fact that these feelings are not only unwise to hold, but also dangerous for the mental state, which means that they need to be given a way out.
Of course, you should not pour your irritation on others — you can go to the gym, sing or dance. And only when you calm down a little and sit down and discuss with your loved one those moments that you are not satisfied with when dealing with him.
4. You have a girlfriend who is poorer than you (or less beautiful, smart, and so on).
You feel awkward in front of her for his merits.
If every time you were next to her, you were sticking out your virtues, then such behavior would be worthy of condemnation. But if you do not behave this way, then you should not be shy, blame, reproach yourself either. If there is a desire and opportunity, it is better to just help a friend than to cry the bluff.
Of course, you can help only if your girlfriend herself wants to get out of her victim image, otherwise, all your attempts are doomed to failure.
5. In the store, the seller accidentally or intentionally insulted you. «This is a very expensive handbag for you» or «This blouse is full of you.»
It is clear that in this case your first desire will be to run away and cry. The second — to answer impudent, putting it in place.
But you need to calm down and understand, you have the right to have an expensive handbag and a bold blouse. Well, if you have a sense of humor — you will be able to besiege the impudent person so that he will continue to watch his speech much better.
If you are not in the mood for joking, you can calmly answer that you are a buyer, and he is a seller, and it is you who decide what is right for you and what is not.
In any case, you can always request a complaint book.
We educate a free person
Of course, you do not want your grown-up child to be shy to defend their rights. And therefore it is necessary to educate him from early childhood, to give him freedom.
Try to give your child the right to choose in all cases when it is not about his safety. Do not be afraid that the baby will grow spoiled. You should also teach him respectful and correct attitude to others.
Moreover, to learn better by example.